As much as I understand.... I understand not a thing

Gotta be honest and have to admit. The last 72 hours have been an eye opener.

All things have accumulated. All things have been entertaining but the truth is.... I'm a Fool, been the Court Jester and I didn't even know it lol So today – 10/11/10 it stops. All stops.

Angry inside I am, know this now I do. A very good friend of mine last night explained why and showed me how far the extent of my alcohol addiction/dependency had got. He's been there; I AM there and close to f****** the whole thing up, the biggest thing. He talked to me at pains of losing our friendship, said as much and I actually cried those silent kinda tears and let him tell me some home truths. When you step out of my size 9's you can actually see it and I can now lol Shouldn't laugh.

If you take a step away from your life and ask yourself what it is you have you been doing, what you want and what should be happening next and who you are... the answers are probably gonna be forthcoming and again I admit there are many things about this life I just don't get.

Things are covered in plain sight, the best answer is usually the first instinctual one and the most simple to understand but still you don't always trust it or follow it – so let me tell you my views on Alcohol!

There are dangerous people out there, real bad people, some do not even realise it, realise they are amongst them, for example (and this is as personal as it gets): was in a relationship with a lovely young lass called Cat, Catherine and we lived together here in my old cottage and I loved to drink Stella Artois, I'd walk in the door after a half hearted day at work, grab a Stella, watch TV or play on the Xbox. I'd cook for us, we'd eat and settle down and Cat would probably get a massage later on in the evening. You know, how a routine relationship can be depending on your choices and wishes. Your working day always affects your evenings events I think, only, you don't always realise this.

Over a certain period of time together, I stopped eating food, became an afterthought. Wasn't concerned because I can easily cope on one meal a day so thought not much of it and continued to drink Stella, heavily but I could do that, can do 10 pints average a night and not blink twice and that's stupid. Long one short, started with serious indigestion, waking up several times in the night and having to drink Gaviscon, sat up for 30 minutes at a time waiting for the pain/irritation to go. Uncomfortable that was!

One Sunday I almost collapsed and Cat took me the Hospital were we found stomach acid had risen up through my now twisted? Stomach lining and had burned through it causing internal bleeding, had lost 4 or 5 pints of blood and felt and looked like a Zombie on that day. Cool? No brother. Not cool.

They filled me up with a strangers blood and I went home after a few days of rest in hospital. To be fair, nurses and doctors have their fill with alcohol related illness's and issues so I wasn't a first in their eyes, didn't even have to ask that. Once home, few weeks off the sauce and then back on it slowly. Cat could have given me an ultimatum and perhaps that would have been a good move but she didn't and with that statement I am not trying to shift the blame. I am just aware of the possibilities in life, I think.

Here I am today 13 years or so later still doing it. I see young friends I have on facebook partying at Uni every night for a week and complaining of the pain afterwards. Try years of it, every day; then talk to me lol The danger lies herein. I know not much about the human body but I know MY body has gone through a lot of pain because of drinking alcohol. After a binge drinking weekend or something I know the average person will feel aches and pains in their internal organs, kidney, lungs (if ya smoke) and most importantly, liver. Some will say that yes the pain does go away after a 24hr break and that's certainly true but If you don't take that break and continue what happens? The aches and pains they do but change and become different somehow. These are kinda real danger signs but you can blank them and truth be told – and I have the experience to say this – the pain goes away. How is that real? How can that be true? How does internal pain just disappear if at first it was once there? What is the human body doing to counter balance pain caused by heavy alcohol abuse? Are you slowly dying inside from the abuse? How the hell does the human body cope with such a savage and ongoing onslaught of abuse?

Don't get it.

Finally I understand how Suffur has taught himself patience and why.

So what do I do now? If I don't take my very good friends advice I am basically treating him like a piece of dirt and totally, unutterably disrespecting him. Yes, that's it. By not acting upon his words I am not treating him like the friend he is, a man I love and respect deeply. That's not gonna happen so now it gets real; no choice but every choice.

I am dependant upon alcohol.... and I didn't even know it. Not in control, I am being controlled; I am trapped in an entertaining little bubble of regression because now is the danger time. Enough brain cells have deceased and from here on in it's only more loss I face so it stops, now. Thank you for listening people and for letting me write and from now on I'm going to need this ability to rant, explode if needs be, reflect as I have always have – pretty scared truth be known but there can be no other way at this time. Deep thanks and respect to my friend who had the courage to stand in my face and verbally slap me. No false God shall I find in the coming days, I am the only person who can make my bed. Love to all